Not My Portion

 

Kumi, a 33-year-old lady, is married to Larry. The marriage is blessed with four children.

Four years into the marriage, Kumi realized something: Larry was having extramarital affairs. It came as a shock to her because she never saw it coming. He never showed any signs. Now he was spending less time at home, and becoming more and more distant.

When Kumi investigated the matter properly, she discovered that he had a well-furnished apartment in town where he took his girlfriends. He spent most of his money on expensive restaurants and women. Kumi confronted him, but he would not change. Now that he was making some money, he considered himself “the boss”.

His cheating and his attitude became a huge problem in their marriage. They fought over the issue every day. One time, she followed him to his “side apartment” where she fought one of his girlfriends. Another time, she moved out of their matrimonial home with the children, but members of both families intervened and she moved back in.

“I cannot live like this,” Kumi says. “I cannot have this man disrespect me and our marriage like this. This is exactly what my father put my mother through. He kept changing women up and down. When he was going on official trips abroad he always went with one girlfriend or the other. My mother has never travelled abroad in her life! There was a time my father lost his job and was out of work for years. It was my mother who sustained him. Immediately he got back on his feet, he started again with different women. Now that he is old and sick, guess who is taking care of him? My mother! She is the one buying his drugs, managing his diet, checking his insulin level, everything. Where are all those girls he was enjoying his money and his life with? They are nowhere to be found. All the money my siblings and I send to my mum, she uses it to take care of him. We have told her several times to leave him, but she will not. She says he’s still her husband. I know she feels there’s some great reward waiting for her in heaven. As for me, it can never happen. It’s not my portion. If it takes me putting Larry in a bottle or caging him somehow, I will do it. But for me to sit down and be wife, while those women get the best part of him, then when he is old and useless, I will now be the ‘wife of his youth’? Mba, not my portion.”

 

1. How can Kumi make a man like Larry comply?

2. Is putting a man in a bottle the best way to secure him, or secure a marriage?

3. Why can’t men with money just be disciplined?

Baba Oni Lu

It was my father’s birthday, and it was a landmark birthday so I decided to travel to Ibadan to spend the day with him.

I left Lagos very early, but can you believe I almost couldn’t locate my father’s house? I never really lived there because by the time my father was done building the house I was about to graduate from university. Only my wedding too place in the house.

When I reached the gate, my Dad was standing outside waiting for me. He was so excited that he was throwing a party; he had called all his friends to say that his daughter, the lawyer who lived in Lagos, was around. This surprised me because my father is the kind of man who rarely shows emotion.

Shortly after, I heard the sound of drums. Someone was drumming.

“What’s the time?” I asked the housekeeper.

“8:30am,” she immediately replied without looking at a clock or watch.

“How did you guess the time right?” I asked after confirming.

“It’s Baba Oni Lu.”

At about 2pm, I heard the same sound of drums, and again the housekeeper said it was Baba Oni Lu, which translates to “the father who drums”.

“Who is this Baba Oni Lu and why is he always drumming?” I asked.

My Dad explained that it was the man who lived in the house opposite ours. Whenever he was going out in the morning to buy food from the vendor, he drummed with his food flask. For lunch and dinner, he did the same thing, at those particular times, every day. That was why his housekeeper could guess the time accurately.

My Dad said Baba Oni Lu was a widower who lived alone. When I asked about his children, my Dad said he had 7, all of them married; sometime last year he saw one of Baba Oni Lu’s children when she came to visit. Whenever my Dad doesn’t hear the sound of Baba Oni Lu’s drumming, he goes to check on him.

All of this got me thinking. I don’t like the way Baba Oni Lu is living. I wouldn’t want my father to live like that. How can we take better care of our senior citizens in Nigeria, since senior citizens’ homes are not so popular around here? I remember when my brother told my Mum to take my grandfather to such a facility. My mother was offended. “How can you even think of such a thing?” she asked.

What most Nigerian parents want is for you to bring them to live with you. How advisable and viable is this, and for how long are they going to be living with you? It also got me wondering how often we call and visit our parents. I discovered that when they reach those senior years, they need our attention. Look at my Dad all excited because I came visiting.

A senior peoples’ facility could be a lucrative business o! What do you think?

1. How can we create activities for our senior citizens?
2. Would you bring your parents to come and live with you? What would it be like if your spouse brought their parent to live in your home?
3. What if there are no relatives or village people to help take care of your parents? How do you take care of someone who spent much of their adult life taking care of you?

 

 

Should She Keep Her Options Open?

 

Wisdom and Femi met at a friend’s birthday party. They fast became friends, and then they started dating; they were in love. Femi told Wisdom several times that he would be her husband. He had gone to see Wisdom’s parents and told them of his intention to marry their daughter.

It’s been two years, and the wedding has still not taken place. Wisdom understands that Femi needs to put certain things in order before they get married. However, she is 27 years old, and her mother is on her case to get married. In fact, her mother not only wants her to “keep her options open”, she has someone in mind; she wants Wisdom to date one of their family friends.

“My dear, this guy has been chasing you for years, why not give him a chance? Is it because of Femi? With young men of nowadays one cannot be certain you know, especially when it comes to these Yoruba demons or whatever you call them. Femi has said he will marry you, but he has not married you.”

Wisdom always finds herself defending Femi before her, who is convinced that Femi has more money than he really does.

If she starts going on dates with this family friend, she may end up liking him and that may distract her; but what if Femi ends up disappointing her? She would have to start all over again, with 30 knocking on her door.

If this happens and this family friend is no longer available by that time, what would happen to Wisdom?

 

1. If Wisdom were your sister would you advise her to keep her options open as there’s no certainty in relationships?
2. Should Wisdom stay faithful to Femi and take her chances?

 

Please advise her.

 

My Mum or My Dad?

Eighteen-year-old Rekia came home from school one Saturday morning to spend the weekend with her parents. She ate and chatted a little with her mother before heading to her room. Just as she entered her room, she heard the gate of the compound opening and suddenly her mother burst into her room and knelt down.

“Rekia your Dad is around, please say that the man in the house is your boyfriend and he came to ask for your hand in marriage, please.”

Rekia was confused; she did not understand what her mother was saying. “Which man?”

“Please just say he came to ask for your hand in marriage,” her mother begged, clasping her hands together.

Rekia’s father is married to three women: one in Kaduna, the other in Zaria, and Rekia’s mother in Abuja. Not long ago, rumours reached Rekia’s father that whenever he travels, Rekia’s mother brings a man home. So that fateful Saturday, he decided to come home unannounced in order to catch her red-handed, and he came with his two brothers.

When Rekia’s father entered the house, he met a man seated in the living room who looked to be in his 50s.

“Who is this man and what is he doing in my house?”

“He came to ask for Rekia’s hand in marriage,” Rekia’s mother answered.

Rekia’s father called her out and asked her if she knew the man, and if he came to ask for her hand in marriage.

“Yes, baba,” Rekia lied.

When her father asked why he came so early in the morning, Rekia said he was coming from a long distance and had to leave Abuja early. In fact, since he had been told Rekia’s father was not around, he was on his way out.

Rekia’s father looked at her with disappointment and betrayal in his eyes. He asked again if Rekia knew the man and if indeed he had come to ask for her hand in marriage, and again Rekia affirmed her mother’s story.

At this, her father said he granted his consent and that the wedding should hold in 3 weeks.

Rekia does not approve of her mother’ actions, and she knew nothing about her mother’s adultery until that Saturday. She took the swift decision to cover her mother because theirs is a polygamous family and the shame would be too much if her father divorced her mother. She and her younger brother would have to go and live with their stepmothers, and they would suffer.

Rekia’s father on the other hand feels betrayed by Rekia. He cannot believe his own child would do that to him. Her uncles are begging her to tell the truth. Rekia had not expected her father to come up with the decision for her to marry the man. The father she knows would never give any of his daughters in marriage to an old man.

Now, Rekia’s mother is begging her to stick to the story and not expose her.

Please advise Rekia.